


Courage And Strength

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, PINOF, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Vomiting, pinof 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22797460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: “Choose a random photo in the other person’s phone and try to expose them.”What happens when Dan forgets about his abundance of thinspo on his camera roll during PINOF 9? He only had it there to remind him what he was striving for but Phil might not think the same thing.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 21





	1. Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Eating disorders and self-harm references. I think that’s all; be sure to let me know if I missed something as always.

“Choose a random photo in the other person’s phone and try to expose them,” Dan half yelled, completely forgetting what his photostream consisted of.

“Ooh!” Phil agreed, rubbing his hands together, feigning evilness. Dan scrolled through his phone, laughing when he found one. “What is it?” Phil asked. When he was shown, Phil recoiled and cringed at his old selfie.

“It was too cringe to post!” he wailed, laughing along with Dan. “I was just checking my outfit!” he tried to justify.

“Look at that pose!” Dan exclaimed, laughing harder than ever.

“Oh, stop it!”

“Was that a front camera as well?” he continued, ignoring Phil’s request. “You were like ‘I think I look nice in this jacket’.”

“You look better.” Dan blushed at the compliment. They’d have to cut that out.

“Okay, my turn!” Phil exclaimed, Dan still laughing at his poorly attempted selfies. “I need my revenge.” he continued, giggling as Dan passed his phone over.

Phil opened the app and his smiling face was quickly replaced by one of worry and concern.

“What? What did you find?” he questioned, still unaware of what Phil was looking at. He leaned over and went pale, only now remembering his photostream’s main theme.

“Why do you have this on here?” he asked, concern ever-present in his voice.

“It’s nothing,” he replied shortly, snatching his phone from Phil’s hands.

“It’s not nothing. You’re so skinny. I tried to ignore it, making up stupid reasons for your weight loss. I told myself you were just stressed about the tour next year, or that you were just trying to lose a little weight to be healthier-”

“I  _ am _ trying to be healthier. My weight is none of your business. I’m hardly underweight. Piss off,” he argued angrily, not wanting to have this conversation. He’d been so good at keeping his eating (or lack thereof) habits hidden. It wasn’t like he had an eating disorder. He never deliberately threw up his food; he just occasionally skipped a meal or two to lose some weight. It was good for him.

“Bullshit!” Phil exclaimed, standing. “You’re so obviously underweight.”

“Am not,” Dan argued, standing to meet Phil’s height.

He tackled Dan to the ground and ripped off the overly large sweater he was wearing. Underneath, Dan’s body was made of almost translucent skin and visibly weak bones. Phil gasped; he’d never realised the severity of Dan’s problem.

Phil’s eyes travelled to his skeletal arms and noticed the masses of cuts and scabs that littered them.

“Dan,” he breathed out solemnly. “What are you doing to yourself?”

“Are you blind Phil?!” he argued, giving up on feigning innocence. “Look at how fat I am! How can you not see it?!”

“Dan, you aren’t fat. You’re skeletal. Look at yourself. Your skin and bones. Oh god, how did I never realise?”

In Phil’s complete and utter shock, Dan managed to push him off even though he was incredibly weak. Dan rushed to stand so he could escape the situation but soon crashed back to the ground.

“Dan!” Phil yelled in a panic. He came too after a few seconds but Phil was already on his phone, calling an ambulance.

“Phil,” he whispered. “I don’t need an ambulance. I’m fine.”

“Dan, you passed out, you clearly are not fine. You’re going to the hospital.”

~~~~

After a basic checkup, the doctors diagnosed him with anorexia and he was given pills along with a referral for a psychologist.

The next morning, Dan was released from the hospital with explicit orders to follow. Since he hadn’t slept all night, he went straight to bed once home.

Phil let him sleep until around what would normally be lunchtime. He’d got an Uber home at around two o’clock in the morning once they’d announced Dan was staying in till later that morning. Because of this, he’d had a chance to go through Dan’s room, and the rest of the flat to remove anything that could be used for self-harm or weight tracking. Dan had pieces from razor blades all around his room as well as two switchblades. The rest of the house had lighters, and sharpeners lying around and the kitchen, sharp knives for chopping and cooking. He also hid their kitchen scale for weighing ingredients and their bathroom scale mainly used to weigh suitcases and apparently Dan.

“Dan, time to wake up. You need to have some lunch,” he said, lightly shaking Dan awake. The boy stirred and poked his head out the top of the blanket. “Good afternoon.” Phil joked. “It’s time for lunch.”

Dan pulled the blanket back over his head and grumbled something. “Dan, you need to eat.” Phil tried a logical approach to no success. “You at least have to get out of bed.”

He huffed and pulled the blanket down. “Can you at least leave while I get changed?”

“Oh, uh, okay. But I’ll be back in three minutes exactly,” he warned and left, closing the door behind him.

Dan emerged two minutes and thirty-four seconds later. “You didn’t have to chuck out all my stuff,” he explained, following Phil towards the kitchen that he’d rarely entered in the past year.

“Clearly I did if you already noticed they were missing,” Phil rebutted, heading towards the kitchen Dan glared at him as he set a plate down in front of him.

“I can’t eat this,” he stated as fact, pushing the plate away.

“It’s just a sandwich; cheese and ham. It barely has any taste.”

The cheese was fat and that was on his not-allowed list. Carbs from bread too. The meat wasn’t as bad but he’d only eat it if absolutely necessary.

“I can’t, Phil. I’ll be sick,” he argued.

“Please, just try. Even if you can only eat half of it.” He pulled the plate closer and picked up one of the halves. Nibbling on the corner, he felt his stomach lurch at the idea of food. He was starving but didn’t want to eat. His body and brain were at war; an ugly, heinous war. But he also wanted to make Phil happy so he tried.

He took a bite and left it in his mouth till it went soggy, only then having built up the courage to swallow. Phil beamed at him as he took another bite and another and another.

Soon, half the sandwich was gone and Dan felt the urge to throw up. He’d eaten so much food, he could feel the cheese adding fat to his stomach and the idea of gaining even half an ounce was horrifying.

Dan stood and bolted from the room before Phil could stop him. He slammed the bathroom door in Phil’s face and locked it before running to the toilet and throwing up the small amount of food he’d eaten that week.

“Dan!” Phil called from outside, banging on the door. “Let me in! You better not be purging yourself.” After ten minutes of begging, the door was finally opened. Dan looked and felt happier now that there was no food in his stomach even if he’d never planned to vomit up what he’d eaten.

Phil made a mental note to remove the bathroom’s lock so he could get in if need be. “Did you throw up?”

“No,” Dan lied.

Phil hugged Dan tightly and felt his small frame relax at the contact. “Please don’t lie to me. I could hear you from outside.”

“If you could hear me then why’d you ask?”

“Come on,” he said, ignoring the question. “You’ve got some more food to eat.”

Phil knew it would be difficult. Dan knew it would be challenging. They both knew setbacks and relapses would come and that courage and strength would be needed to overcome this life challenge. The good thing was, they had enough strength and courage between them to succeed in saving Dan’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's recovery from anorexia was going well up until his father mentions his weight game.
> 
> This is part two to another fic I wrote. It's not vital to read part one, just recommended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Anorexia, swearing (once), intrusive thoughts. I think that’s all but be sure to let me know if I miss one as always.

Dan’s recovery from anorexia and self-harm was going really well. He ate three full meals a day and even had occasional snacks in between if he felt hungry. Anyone who didn’t know him twelve months ago would never say he was anorexic.

Dan and Phil had each left for the Christmas holidays the previous day, each going to their respective families. Dan had wanted to stay with Phil of course but his family missed him and were telling him to go visit since he hadn’t in over a year.

~~~~

“Hi Mum. How are you?” he dragged his suitcase in behind him then hugged his mother. “Where’s Dad and Max?”

“In the kitchen making dinner. I swear I didn’t agree to it; I’m worried they’ll burn the house down,” she joked, leading Dan to the kitchen even though he remembered where it was. He lived there for eighteen years after all.

“Dad! Max!” He ran up to them and hugged them both.

“You’ve put on a bit of weight, huh? You were looking really good last year,” his Dad informed him light-heartedly.

Dan self-consciously wrapped his arms around his stomach. He tried to smile and laugh it off but playing this off as nothing was more difficult than he’d thought.

“Oh, come on, Bear. You know he’s joking,” she batted him lightly on the arm, laughing with the rest of them. “Even if you have put on a little weight.”

_ She’s agrees with Dad... Have I really gotten fat? _ Once Dan was able to leave with the excuse of putting his stuff in his room, he went to the guest room mirror.

He pulled his shirt up and held it there with his chin, turning sideways to the mirror.  _ Wow, how much weight have I put on? Oh my god, I’m hideous. _ He pinched the skin and pulled it away from his body before watching it snap back into place.

Dan pulled his eyes away from the mirror and made his way to the bathroom. Phil had insisted on hiding the scales in their house so he had no idea how much he weighed currently.

Stepping on the scales, he took a deep breath and opened his eyes. 158.73 lbs.  _ Absolutely disgusting! How can anyone even stand to look at you? _ Dan stepped of the scales and ran back to his room before breaking down crying. The voice he’d tried so hard to keep suppressed was now attacking him with full force, using what he was most self-conscious about as it’s weapon.

How had he gotten so fat? How could he let himself get so heavy?  _ Phil could have someone so much better than you. Why would he stick around with a fat fuck like you? He’ll leave as soon as he realises how fat you are. If you don’t want that to happen, I can help... _

The voice in Dan’s head was so aggressive yet so... inviting. Being skinny again, making Phil love him again. That’s all he’s ever wanted. He wanted Phil to love him as much as Dan loved him.

“Bear, dinner time!” his mother called from the bottom of the stairs.  _ Say you’ve already eaten. _

“I’m not too hungry mum, I think I’ll skip.”

“Can you at least come and join us?” Dan pushed himself off the bed and wiped his face before walking down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Are you sure you aren’t hungry, sweetie?”

“Yes, mum. I’ll get something later if I feel hungry.”

“Ok, Bear.”

~~~~

“Hey, Phil! I’m home!” he yelled throughout the house, toeing off his shoes and taking off his coat. Soon enough, Phil came barreling down the stairs and straight into his arms.

“I missed you,” he whispered into Dan’s shoulder.

“I was only gone a week,” he joked, hugging Phil back. “But I missed you too.”

“I was thinking we could have pizza for dinner,” Phil said as he began dragging Dan’s suitcase up the stairs for him.

_ You don’t need any pizza. Tell him you ate a lot for breakfast. _

“I can do that, Phil. Also, I ate a lot for breakfast so I’m not that hungry.” He hated lying to Phil but it had to be done.

Phil stopped climbing the stairs and turned to look back at Dan. “You,” he said, pointing to Dan, “don’t want pizza?” It was phrased like a question but sounded more like an accusation.

“I ate a lot at breakfast!” he squealed out defensively. Phil stared at him for a few seconds more before turning and continuing the task of carrying the suitcase up the stairs and into Dan’s room.

“Well, I want pizza. You can always have some if you’re hungry later.” Phil then left Dan’s room to order dinner while he unpacked his bags. Phil had gotten back the day before but he probably still hadn’t unpacked. In all honesty, Dan wouldn’t unpack for a couple of weeks if he wasn’t trying to avoid dinner with Phil.

It had been a week and three days since he last ate a proper meal and Phil was still yet to notice. Dan had no way of weighing himself but could feel himself dropping pounds. His stomach began to concave again and he silently praised himself for that. He was on the road to being beautiful again.

~~~~

Phil had noticed. Of course he’d noticed. He knew as soon as Dan arrived home and said he wasn’t hungry for pizza that something was up.

He was first a little suspicious when he hugged Dan. He had felt a little skinnier and maybe a little weaker as well. His suspicions were confirmed however when Dan avoided dinner with Phil and slept in through breakfast.

That was two days ago now and Phil still hadn’t seen any food go in Dan’s mouth. However, he had seen Dan arrange a plate of crumbs. So if Phil knew Dan wasn’t eating again, why hadn’t he said anything? The main reason, he was playing dumb.

He told himself it’ll only last a couple days then he’ll be back to normal. He knew he was lying to himself, that Dan wouldn’t start eating again without help.

“Dan,” Phil called, knocking on his door. “Can I come in?” Phil heard a faint ‘uh huh’ from the other side of the door and pushed it open. Dan was sat at his desk, chair swivelled around to face the doorway.

“What did you want?”

“Umm, I don’t know how to approach this subject lightly so we’re going to dive straight in. You’ve stopped eating again.” Phil observed how Dan visibly shrank once he learnt the subject of the conversation. “Why?”

“I- um, I’m not?” he tried weakly. They both knew full well that Dan was starving himself and that Phil was going to do everything in his power to help.

“Dan, don’t even try to deny it. You think I don’t notice your absence at mealtimes. Hell, I’ve seen you put crumbs on plates to make it look like you’ve eaten.”

“Phil, I-”

“Save it, Dan. I can’t watch you deteriorate like this again. I’ve already seen it happen once without doing anything, I’m not standing by again. Either you let me help you or we’re going to the hospital right now. They’re your options.”

“I hate hospitals,” he mumbled, admitting defeat. He wasn’t going down without a fight though.

“Okay then. I’m going to go make you a sandwich. You stay here and don’t move.”

Phil returned a few moments later with a ham and cheese sandwich. That was the first meal he ate last time after Phil discovered his anorexia too; how ironic.

“Phil,” he tried before quickly getting cut off.

“Just try. Please?”

Dan nodded and picked up the triangle, desperately trying to ignore the voice in his head shouting hateful words.

“Good. Can you eat the other half?” Phil prompted after Dan finished the first half. Dan shook his head, already feeling the sandwich add weight to his still-fat body.

“It’s okay. I’m proud of you for eating half of it. We will get through this, alright Dan?”

He nodded again.

“Dan, this is going to take time. You’re going to have bad days and days where you won’t want to eat anything at all. But I’ll be here when you have those days. I’ll be here to help you fight that voice in your head telling you to purge your meals. We can fight those demons together. How does that sound?”

“That sounds good, Phil.” he smiled sadly. “That sounds really good.” A tear slipped down his face as he leaned in for a hug. “Thank you. I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for putting up with all this shit. I still don’t know why you do but I’m glad you stick around. I love you.”

“I love you too, Bear,” he said, pulling Dan in for another hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Check out my tumbr --> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


End file.
